Day 20 A Difficult Time

{20} A Difficult Time

I would say in recent years there has been 3 very Difficult times for my Family & I, However I will only talk about one As one was Hugo with all the heart ache of the unknown Here is Hugo's Blog, Another is just way to horrendous that im just not ready to talk about yet so Ive chosen this one :

This is a difficult thing for me to even write down as we don't really ever talk about it. 5 years ago around this time my Mum found out she had Breast cancer the day she got her results we all had a very normal day my Sister at University I was at work & my younger Sister at school. All day I couldn't concentrate the not knowing going round & round in my head praying everything will be ok hearing almost everyone around me saying the normal "Everything will be ok love" well what if it wasn't!
as i was finishing work i kept trying to phone mum & dad, as i was only 16 i couldn't drive so a good work colleague offered to take me home as mum normally picked me up.
As i was leaving work i received a text saying something similar to "will see you at home. Love you"
I knew then it wasn't good news. I just Broke down in tears how could this be happening to my family to my mum - the common phrase "this will never happen to me"
My work colleague was Brilliant & bought my mum a bunch of  flowers & dropped me home. It was by far one of the most surreal moments of my life & one non of us ever go into detail much. Oddly though i can't remember too much my little sister was 10 & she remembers even less than i do. I do remember getting the train to My best friends it house i felt as it i needed to escape it, I feel awful for that now. the next few days/ weeks all blurred in to one. Fortunately they had caught it early enough to be able to remove it Mum had a mastectomy & I just remember going to see her driving down to the hospital in one of dads Mercedes with my sisters dad & my friend we dropped her home before seeing mum.
walking into her room was horrible seeing her in pain very out of it on medication. we felt like we needed to be strong for her i cried allot behind closed doors
My Mum was so strong though it, & I cant even imagine how she felt / feels about it now.
& Now here comes my guilty bit, I had the opportunity to go to possibly live in Spain & took it i don't regret any of it but i feel like the most terrible daughter for doing so, Mum  & I did talk it over & over & she told me to do what i felt right. but that guilt no doubt will ever leave.
So perhaps i do regret it? 

Life has Many Questions, Just not enough Answers.













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