I know I should stay positive. Stay positive for my boy. Last night I sat listening to H scam for 3 hours solid. WHY? Because he had his boots on. No bar JUST HIS BOOTS. As I'm awaiting his new ADM's (Boots without a bar) I thought I'd see how well we would cope without the bar. WHY? Well because he normally shouts & screams for me to remove his BAR. So WHY did he scream so much telling me...
"My feet hurt Mumma"
"My knees hurt Mumma"
"Boots off mumma"
Listening then to my daughter (who unfortunately shares a room with H) saying "Mumma I can't do this anymore, please Mumma take the pain away from him, Mumma this no fair"
OH MY GOSH.
I held E's hand & said "Now darling you've got to be brave for your little brother, You've got to tell him how brilliant he is for keeping his boots on he'll go to sleep soon poppet don't you worry."
Literally feels like my heart is breaking for him.
Totally the hardest thing I've ever had to keep up with.
I still struggle to talk about it to people too, This is where my blog comes in so handy. getting everything out of my head into words onto the screen.
I don't expect other people to really understand when I say - He screams for three hours then perhaps falls asleep for 20 minutes to then wake up screaming again this is repeated time after time all night.
I can feel myself going towards that dark hole, that dark tunnel where I desperately don't want to go.
But i'm getting brought closer & closer to it.
The lack of sleep. The screaming from Hugo. How am I going to manage another 2+ years of this without breaking?