Today is Monday. Today started waking up in my daughters Bambi bed whilst I had my son in my bed... last night was the typical 'musical beds' night. All I want is sleep, my night time turns into a complete blur of sleep deprivation.
So when this morning I was doing the usual fight to get my daughter dressed for school, somehow it seemed harder than usual, then the usual son screaming at me pulling at my legs & then trying to get them all into the car to drag my daughter to school.
Said daughter right on Que. Then she broke down in the playground, screaming crying that she dislikes school, that she wanted to be with me all day...
I don't know why but then the tears started to leak from my eyes. More frustration I think. I know when she's at school she's fine. It's like she wants to punish me at the moment.
Having to literally pick her up to hand her to the teacher & walking away. Day after day the struggle.
I sat then in my car tears rolling down my cheeks. The tears making a map through my foundation & blusher.
My son turned to me, "why crying Mumma?"
Wiping the tears away & started the car, I say to him "I'm fine, just tired."
Tired of the fight, I wanted to say. Tired of being tired, Tired of being a parent. Tired of today.
I can't see things improving & scare myself at times for just how rubbish of a Mum I am.
How can I do this day after day? How can I do this for the rest of today? Let alone my whole life. I'm a parent now. I want to change career but I can't. This is so rubbish. I'm so rubbish.
How can people enjoy being a parent?
How can people have more than one child?
Why did I have a second child?
This Maternal feeling? Where is it?
I obviously didn't say anything like that to him.
& seeing his concerned face made me feel even worse for having the thoughts I was.
Am I being a drama queen?? Yes.
But this is how I'm feeling. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. This is crap. Crappity. Crap. Crap.
True? - Probably not.
In that moment, though, it felt true. I feel like the worlds worst Mum, The most awful Mum ever. I had a long list of reasons to back up my suspicions.
I don't play enough with my children
I had already yelled at my son approximately 103 times that morning because he has an obsessive compulsion to climb onto anything & then use my bed as a 'bouncy castle'.
I wasn’t sure how many more times I could say, “Stop hitting your sister” before giving up.
My children eat the majority of their meals picnic-style in front of Toy Story because there are days where I just can’t handle the battle which is getting them to eat and behave at the table... without pinching each other.
I shout at them to 'tidy up' way too much.
If they spend another afternoon 'sofa jumping' I'm going to lose my mind.
My Children point blankly IGNORE every thing that comes out of my mouth UNLESS it has anything to do with sweets or chocolate.
Bribery however doesn't work with them. Damn it - I've tried.
They watch way too much tele. "lets go outside to play..."I say then I see two faces glued to the tele.
I scream/shout/yell way too much.
And the list goes on & on & on....
Today though I am convinced I am the world’s worst mother.
I have just finished on the phone to a friend discussing my terrible life. Telling her I would quite happily walk out now & not come back. With her trying her hardest to reassure me.
I then had a moment.
I’m not an awful parent.
Other mums must feel the way I do.
Of course they do.
People just don't admit it... Perhaps because we don't want to be looked upon as a failure?
I don't know why more parents don't admit it. The more parents who stand up to 'Yes I'm having a bloody hard time today/tomorrow/this week/this month... should admit it.... to help reassure others. It's perfectly normal.
To show everyone this is normal.
We are Mothers/Fathers & it's OKAY to have down days.
It's OKAY to cry.
It's OKAY to feel like you're a failure. (Though you know you aren't. In fact you're totally far from it)!!
Once I had calmed down. I began to remember reading other parents blog posts, talking about the same thing. Remembering conversations with friends reassuring me that in fact they have felt the same. Remembering posts back on a Mummy page with one mum admitting she could just walk out the house after such a terrible day. that took balls for her to admit that. But my gosh I felt so normal to read that another mother is going through the same.
I then remembered:
Other Mothers lose it with their children in the supermarket too.
Other mothers yell at their children sometimes too.
Other mothers can’t sleep because their guilt keeps them awake at times too.
Other mothers give their daughter beans on toast for dinner and call it good too.
Other mothers have homes with dirty bathrooms and sticky kitchen floors too.
Other mothers hide in the bathroom for just a moment’s peace too.
Other mothers can’t come up with fun things to do with their toddlers too. (we aren't all the three 'P's' = 'Pinterest perfect parents')
Other mothers pray their son will go back to sleep when he wakes up at 4am too.
Other mothers are positive they’re screwing up their children.
If all these women/men, friends and strangers are having such a hard time… that means it’s not just me.
And if we’re all on the same page… if we’re all having the same struggles… then…
I’m not a bad parent.
I’m just normal.
There I posted it. I've been mulling over posting this for a while. Because actually although I understand other parents feel like this. It really is hard to admit it. To talk about it. To tell your friends/ family just how your feeling. It makes me feel so much better knowing you feel the way I do too at times.