A Mothers Guilt

Is by far the worst kind.
It all started after Hugo had his bath I then put his BnB back on as normal & started cooking dinner Hugo then started crying so I tried to burp him thinking it was trapped wind as he can get in quite a bit of pain with it. It was a cry I hadn't heard before a painful cry. I tried to feed him again but was just latching on & off then sicking it back up again. I had my dinner whilst rocking him. He's still crying he hadn't been like this since the day he was in his BnB for the first time. I cleaned up the kitchen whilst holding him ( quite hard one handed)
Then took Emilyn up to bed whilst Hugo is still crying. By 9pm hubby came home from work I had been rocking Hugo for over an hour I had tried Calpol, teething gel, Infacol, I just didn't know what was wrong thinking he may be teething or colicky. Mic took over trying to calm him down he was exhausted!... The night went by extremely slow. Clock watching wanting it to be 6am so I can get up & grab a coffee. I had to sleep sitting up in bed rocking Hugo I was non the wiser to it being anything to do with his boots!
He's been in them fine for about 8 weeks. I untied the boots invade I done them up too tight but no he was still crying still in pain.
I felt totally hopeless I wanted to take the pain away.
At 7am with no sleep I decided to remove his BnB & to my horror I had caught his baby toe on his sock awkwardly. I just burst Into tears I his mummy had caused him to be in such horrendous pain how could I of not known?
I honestly felt like the worst mummy in the world. His poor little toe all red & hot. As soon as I took his sock off he completely stopped crying & put a huge grin on his face. This is how I knew 100% it was down to his toe.
A whole load of guilt swept over me. My little 11week old helpless baby in pain.
I had only just started feeling confident with him in his BnB & now I suddenly dislike them profusely. It feels as if I've taken 3steps forward & 5steps back.
It's hard enough coping with colicky babies. It's hard enough dealing with teething. But I... Hugos mummy added my own hard work & made him in pain at the same time. I just couldn't stop crying. All day today he's been fine he has no idea I just keep going over it. Tears keep swelling up in my eyes & I have to wipe them away.
I've now lost all confidence in the BnB its taken so long to build it up for it to be knocked down so quickly.
I've never felt so awful.
Hugo himself now knows no different & doesn't seem effected by my traumatic experience. Although in expecting his toe this evening it looks very bruised & sore. I tried to call my physio but no answer. I just hope it's not caused any lasting damage.
I'm now off to sleep as last night we had none.

This is Hugo this morning totally unaware of the previous problems of last night.

Its not just my Baby...

Talipes Love Support Happy Feet 

How Happy was i that i found this amazing Baby Group that was made for Mums with children with Talipes.
Its not just my Baby! there are others out there!! 
 These ladies are my Rock. They've been where I am today. They've suffered the heart ache of the "unknown" if you like. The Shock of finding out at the 20 week scan or in some occasions the bigger shock of their Beautiful Baby being Born with Talipes & they had no idea about it.
For me its so emotional to read these very personal experiences of these Lady's.
As i can Relate to so much. We also didn't tell any one except close friends & family until very recently i bit the bullet & put a photo of him in his casts & then a photo of his Boots & Bars, I had the usual "oh whats happened to his feet" (with the cast photo) &"is he ok?" i felt like I was explaining myself over & over again.
I was Terrified of people treating him different looking at him as a deformed baby. i still haven't shown many people his before feet until i started this blog. I loved his feet. I don't give two stuffs what the arrogant idiots think all i have to say to the people who are rude or make sick comments is this could happen to your child.
at my 20 week scan everyone was so hooked on the "pink or blue" "brother or sister for Emilyn " I think I was asked only once or twice if everything was actually ok with my baby... I as others have said was so excited to find out myself I told the whole of Facebook & then had no idea what to say when we found out all the possible problems he had. I left my Facebook friends with no idea what was happening all day, texts after texts people writing on my wall asking what i was having. By the end of the day I decided to just put a status up saying... "We are having a boy" I was Numb with the unknown i cried & cried whilst writing it watching everyone congratulate me & telling me how perfect it is having 1 of each & how "Good looking" he will be.
All I wanted to do is go to bed Curl up in a ball & wish all the pain away. But For Emlyn's sake normality had to continue.
The Talipes Support group was & still in fabulous at reassuring me everything will be ok.
All the questions running around my head Can he fit in a moses basket with his BnB on will he fit in his maxi cosi car seat the types of clothes he will be able to wear.
All the questions where answered by people who knew what to expect people who had been in my shoes!

The Most important thing that comes across is that having Talipes is not the end of a Perfect baby it just adds to their Perfection. its not the end of the world. we all cope. we all get through the hard times & come out so much stronger people.

These Mums have kindly shared their own personal experiences with talipes with us.

Mummy 1:
-I had not heard the word Talipes before, but I knew about clubfoot: ie that it existed (I had never seen one and knew next to nothing about it).
- It was not picked up on the 20 week scan so was a bit of a shock when he was born.
-My first reaction was shock mostly. I didn't want to think about it or look at his legs for ages, then I couldn't stop. I knew it was fixable but assumed it would be an operation or something that I did not have to worry about for a while. It didn't help that the hospital where he was born didn't know about it either and sent us from physio pillar to physio post until we finally found a ponseti specialist. When she told me what was involved in treatment it properly hit me then and I sobbed for ages.
-The First few Months is distant past now as he's 2years.6months old. The worst bit was definitely the first plaster and first week in BnB. Everything else has been surprisingly easy and I'm thrilled to say that his feet look gorgeous. 
It's a week or two of misery for a lifetime of normality for Felix-- if I'd known that at his birth I'd have been much happier!

Mummy 2: 

-We knew of Talipes, but only knew it as club foot, I never knew its proper name. I am from South Africa, and there is a beggar who would beg on a street corner not far from where I lived. He was a teenager and had bilateral talipes that was never corrected. He walked with crutches. It was so sad to see and knowing what I know now about how correctable it is, just makes it an even sadder situation.

-We found out at the 20 week scan. We went in so excited and came out desperately trying not to cry. We were in shock.
-Our first reaction was Shock - I couldn't believe what the sonographer was saying. When she said he would have to wear a brace I pictured him in something like in Forrest Gump.  I thought he would be disabled (the sonographer knew very little about talipes). I was devastated
-There have been some really hard times like when he went into his BnB. I felt desperate, I wanted to make everything better for him, but I had to be cruel to be kind, as they say. Now my little monkey is almost 10 months old and is cruising the furniture, trying to stand on his own and is such a confident little boy. Nothing will hold him back. Seeing him growing up big and strong, and hitting milestones before other babies his age just makes me so proud of him. I would do it all over again happily if I needed to.

Mummy 3: 
We found out at 20 week scan and I was devastated ! We were so looking forward to finding out whether our baby was pink or blue and it never entered my mind that something was " wrong" the first thing that I felt was " it's my fault" I must have done something wrong in my pregnancy for this to have happened straight away I started to google it and that was the worst thing I did, and then I came across a pic of boots and bars and I thought great ! Now my baby is going to have to wear " special shoes" I was so upset as selfish as it sounds I didn't want my baby to be seen as different , I found the rest of my pregnancy so hard literally every night looking in the Internet at statistics , treatment, long term prognosis literally torturing my self Liam on the other hand never wanted to talk about it he always said it's my son and I love him whatever he is very much I'll deal with it when it happens kind of person where as I'm a huge worrier. Then once Max was born I never thought about his foot I was just happy my beautiful boy was here his first hospital appointment for his first cast I was so emotional I just kept thinking why me why my baby I just wanted to take my baby home but instead we faced weekly hospital visits not to mention the hospital was a 3 hr round trip to London , but max has taken everything in his stride, he has his grumpy days but who's to say he wouldn't even if he didn't have the treatment, i wouldn't have my baby boy any other way it's all what makes him Max and we are very proud of our little boy

 Mummy 4:

I had Never heard of talipes....ever! I had heard of club foot but it wasn't what I thought 

We found out at our 20wk scan I was completely and utterly heartbroken. Then when they said about chances of being linked to a disability made the situation a million times worse and the feet didn't become the main issue at that point but I asked for growth scans (refused amnio) which I had every 4wks, it put my mind at ease and I really did enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I was emotional around 2wks before Grace was due and would think what If it's more than talipes etc but she was Perfect and my baby girl! I did keep it a secret from people and still to this day only family and close close friends no.

She is 15month now and been down to nights in BnB since 4.5mnth old she took it all in her stride and doesn't bother at all now when the boots go on its routine! 

Thank you to all Ladies who took the time to help me spread the word & explain to other people. its so refreshing to see other peoples points of view. also made me cry in parts. its all still so fresh in my mind. 

My Designer babies & I...

Our Family all in Ralph Lauren

Emilyn & Hugo in Ralph Lauren

Emilyn & Hugo In their matching D&G
Now this is a question I ask myself.
Why do people feel the need to moan or Judge people who like their children in Designer clothes. I'm not talking about Next or Marks & Spencer's nor Monsoon (although monsoon can be expensive & I love all their stuff) but Ralph Lauren, Chloe, Christian Dior, DKNY, Juicy Couture, Ted Baker, D&G ect...
Now surely this is my Husbands & my decision a decision we both agree on & the way we live our daily life.
We don't blow the bank buying these types of clothes we go to outlets, sale sites Brandalley for example, TK MAXX can be fab a pair of Dior trousers for a Fiver in their Clearance sale. Ralph Lauren polos for £3.99 in the Ralph Lauren store in the Bicester Village. We also grabbed a fantastic bargain on a New Ralph Lauren snow suit for £9 at the NCT Nearly New Sale its RRP was over £100! I love a bargain & so when i see one i cant resist! So what am I doing that is so over the top. Majority of my children's designer clothes are cheaper than Full Price NEXT clothes. I don't waste money just buying them these designer clothes nor do I feel I'm any better than other mums that chose to dress there children in high street stores. As my children also have lots of NEXT, Monsoon, Debenhams, Tesco & H&M clothing in their wardrobes.
This is the way hubby & I dress so why would my children be any different?

In the winter Emilyn wears real UGG boots, she's on her 3rd pair. At the age of 2years 6 months. Why you ask? Well I want her feet to be comfy & warm in the cold weather I am also a little obsessed with UGGS I myself have 5 pairs 1 pair being the limited Jimmy Choo ones as my 21st birthday Present from Mic.
People just presume I'm mad for letting Emilyn go to the park all fitted out in her Chloe outfit & UGGS! We got her UGG boots from BrandAlley half price! Clarkes winter boots would of been the same price so either way I would of spent the money.

As for Hugo I've spent very little on his No added Sugar Rompers a few pounds of eBay. With the odd exception of a beautiful more expensive romper here & there.I have Recently Ordered a beautiful organic one from Kyna Boutique His wardrobe is limited already so I want him to be as trendy as possible in his little Rompers.
He's also got lots of Ralph Lauren Polos packed away for when he's a few months older less than £10 each again I couldn't resist.

Emilyn was Fortunate enough to get a Casting with Monsoon & got the job for their Autumn/Winter clothing Range. They pay their child Models with Monsoon Vouchers of which she got spoilt with the amount she received, & only just used the last few pounds up on some beautiful sale outfits.
Emilyn head-toe in Chloe whole outfit for under £30.
Emilyn in her bargain Ralph Lauren from Bicester.

OK so Before i carry on writing my blog & you reading anymore I have a Confession to Make. I  have a slight Buggy obsession. some may call it a Addiction, Bugaboo is particular, in fact i don't really like any other buggy. I May even come across as a Buggy Snob!... although i wouldn't admit to it.
I have owned 8 Buggies in total 4 of them being Bugaboos & the best I've ever owned. The others really are not even worth me mentioning.
Bugaboo is the most amazing & fantastic Pushchair I have ever owned. you can take it all over the World & most importantly take it on the Beach Sand or Stone, Snow, Offroad grass, mud, you name it Bugaboo does it.
My obsession reaches as far as wanting the Black chassis Cameleon with the Off White Fabric, The Black chassis Bee with the Missoni Fabric & of course the Bugaboo Donkey But my Funds just wont let me stretch this far.
So for my Double Buggy for my babies i had to Settle with the Britax B-Dual buggy in Atol Blue & infact its a reasonable Buggy the only downside is it isn't a Bugaboo!

So we are now getting Closer to me explaining this Beautiful Buggy below. this is the Bas Kosters Limited Edition Bugaboo only 1000 where made. I wont tell you how much we paid i will leave that to your imagination. Or if like me you go to Bugaboo Anonymous you will clearly know the cost of these.
My Taste of things is so much like Marmite.
Either way this is my life & your Opinion is your personal view.

in Trafford centre car park I'm 16 weeks pregnant with Hugo Emilyn is in the Buggy in her DKNY Orange dress.

This is a peak into the way I live my life. Some would call it extravagant I just call it me.

Two Different Babies. Two Very Different Labours.

My Two Wonderful children & I
My Birth Story With Emilyn From The Beginning 23/09/2009 to the End 24/09/2009
On the 23/09/2009 at 10am i went to Guildford Hospital to get my Sweep, I was 7 days overdue and losing my patience slightly, just sitting at home waiting around... or cleaning the house from top to bottom wasn't getting the baby I was ready to try almost anything.
 The midwife examined me & i was chuffed to bits when she said i was 2cm dilated and my cervix was very soft! she also said i could be back at the hospital later that day, i wasn't so sure though... it  was about 1pm when i arrived home and i had a huge lunch, my contractions started but i thought they were just my usual braxton hicks that i had been getting from about 20 weeks so I didn't think much of it, i sat on my birth ball for a few hours, at about 8pm my contractions were closer together and getting painful, so i got in the bath this calmed them and i thought great i can get to sleep soon but once i was back out the bath and in bed, they were even closer and the pain drew me to tears, Mic hooked up the TENS Machine and i hit the boost at every contraction, was so worth it!! at 11pm Mic called my mum in and  we decided to call the hospital and take me in, my hospital is 40mins away from my house so we had a long drive with me in pain i kept the TENS  machine on... :)
By the time we reached the hospital it was about 12am, the hospital was empty and i was crying with pain we got into the lift and walked up to reception, was shown my room, my midwife was very young but lovely she done a internal... and i was still only 2cms dilated. i was gutted how was i in so much pain.
so anyways she gave me another sweep and asked if i wanted to go home? no way was i going home in this pain, so she showed me to a room that they call the Home from Home room with a kitchen and a bathroom and so Mic could stay with me too, i still had my TENS machine on, which was still helping, my contractions where varied between 5mins -10mins mostly about 7 minutes apart, all i wanted todo was to get some sleep, so the MW gave me Pethidine and said that should relax me enough to get some sleep... She then left the room, well the pethidine didn't work, i didn't even feel different!! the pain was still there and i couldn't sleep!! the MW checked on us every now and then, i coped all through the night with just my TENS and the birthing ball, i couldn't sleep nor could i lay down every time i went to lay down my contractions got worse!! :( Mic got some sleep bless him must of been hard with me moaning in pain, by the morning Mic went to get one of the MWs as i couldn't cope with this pain any more it must of been about 7 am i was siting on the floor in tears, again! so the MW hooked me up to the GAS and AIR! what amazing stuff!! i loved it!! so i had that and my TENS to boost when ever i had a contraction!! Contractions are so bizzare one minute your in tears the next I'm sitting there laughing in normal conversation with Mic. The MW then Done another internal... Oh No! only 3 Cms Dilated.. i wasn't progressing very quickly!! i attempted to have some breakfast i managed some cereal, i rung my family to update them, i couldn't see me giving birth any time soon.
By about 10:30am the new MW came in and done another internal, no progress, they wanted to break my waters and get things moving, and so they needed to no what pain relief i wanted i was so against the Epidural and i so had my heart set on the water birth!! but apparently your meant to be 5 cms dilated to go in the birthing pool so that was out of the question, and as they needed to break my waters too, so by this point i just wanted baby out of me i would of done anything to have it all over and done with, so i got taken to the next room and got changed into my nighty they then got my Gas and Air again and took off my TENS :( to get the epidural done (most horrible experience) they had a Trainee MW with them.,.. i felt like a Lab Rat... they were talking about me like i was sh#T and i was so out of it i started coming round when he was half way through putting the epidural in and i started moving, well they where not impressed to say the least!!
Once that was all done they left me to get it working, and then broke my waters at about 11:30 and again left me they hooked the baby heart monitor up and gave me something to get the contractions closer together, put me on a drip as i needed fluids, and asked me why i was still using my gas and air!? well the epidural wasn't Bloody working i was still feeling everything!! so they put the dose up!! i could feel pushing and pushing down in my lady bits. i could feel her pushing further and further, i was then given another 2 doses of The Epidural, i still don't think it worked at 3pm they came and checked on me... the first time they had checked down there since they broke my waters!!
The MW came in and told me they were going to use a ventouse to get her out as she was distressed and so They then Emptied my Bladder and Low and behold... her head was on full display!! No need for them to use the ventouse to get her out they asked me to push at my next contraction, and that i should meet my Little girl within 15 minutes..  i was crying so much not in pain but for Joy, Tears for me knowing i was going to meet my daughter soon.
Mic was crying too.. he could see her head!! Her arm got stuck so they had to push her back in and then i had to push her back out again, once that was done 3 Big Big Pushes later at 3:17pm there was my baby on my chest all gunky but i didn't care. Mic cut her Cord, and i delivered the Placenta within 3minutes, and then Emilyn was feeding and Me and Mic Sat in ore Of her, Our daughter is here she fed on both breasts for about half an hour but for me felt like hours and hours, she was then rubbed down and cleaned and dressed in her first outfit Poor baby came out bigger than expected so only had one outfit that fitted her properly, i then layed on the bed still for the next 2 hours and had to wait for all my wires to be taken out of me, before i showered, i was sick about 10 times, apparently it was to do with a injection they gave me, by 5 pm i was just getting into the shower, and by 6pm we where on the ward with all the other mums and babies, my Mum and sisters came up to congratulate us and meet there new Granddaughter and Niece, it was all so overwhelming, i hadn't slept for almost 3 nights, Mics Mum and Sister and her husband came up a little later and Mic then had to go home with them, i was left with Emilyn all on my own, i had not changed a nappy since i was about 6years old, i had to Breastfeed her on my own, it was a terrifying experience. My Mummy Instinct must of kicked in, i changed her nappy and cradled her to sleep, it was the worse night sleep ever though, the lady next to me had had a section so her baby cried and cried all night and she couldn't remove him from the ward, but a MW told me when Emilyn Cries i should take her for a walk so i don't disturb the other ladies or babies, so i spent most the night in the corridor walking up and down, i was so drained!!
By the next day i had got through my first night at being a mummy, Emilyn was still sleeping and so i was abit miffed that a MW woke me up at 7am. and my baby slept in till 9am!! i couldn't get back to sleep as everyone else around me was awake! not impressed!!
The Mw then  asked if i was happy to go home today oh yes i was!! :) i was happy she was feeding well and pooing well ect so i had to wait for Emilyn to be checked over and i could be discharged, :) yay!! i rung my Mum to tell her i would go home at about 2pm,

She weighed 7lbs 15 at birth
A week later she was 7lbs 14.5
and at 2 weeks she weighed 8lbs 4
She was Born with Blue eyes and there getting Lighter and lighter
Dark Brown hair also getting Lighter and Lighter,
Long Finger Nails, Perfect face, Long Fingers and long toes!


My Birth Story With Hugo From The Beginning 05/01/2012 to the End07/01/2012
So here it goes it all started on Thursday 5th January 2012 & I was 3 days overdue I went to see my midwife & she gave me a sweep told me I was 2cms dilated & I would probably go into labour by the next day... So got home & started having Contractractions every7 mins quite painful but not unbearable... Got to 7pm that day & decided to ring labour ward to see what was happening as contractions where every4 mins... Once we got there I was told I was still just 2cm & that I had a double cervix from having my daughter & the actual cervix I needed to dilate wasn't at all :0 on top of this i was told to go home & sleep this is at 2am & once again the midwife told me I would prob go into labour later that day... Well when I woke up nothing everything had stopped not even a Braxton Hicks (& i started getting them from 16weeks)! I was so upset & tired, Friday passed slowly & I started having small contractions again all that night so no sleep I was totally exhausted! By Saturday I was so fed up with silly contractions I rang Labour ward & said what has been happening & the baby had slowed down with his movements & I was worried he was distressed, they told me to go in at 4pm Saturday got to hospital at 5pm spoke to midwife explained everything & got his movements monitored, the midwife was lovely she said straight away they would try & break my waters as I still hadn't progressed! 6:30 midwife tried to break my waters (thought she had)  told me to go for a walk to get things moving as I was still only 2cm on my first cervix!? Contractions got stronger but not horrendous turns out she didn't break my waters at all & just gave me a very good sweep!...
We had to get senior midwife to break my waters this took her 4 attempts at 7:45pm by 8pm I was asking for gas & air I was shocked at how strong the contractions where! also how good gas&air is! I can't really fully remember much from labour after that the gas&air defo took over ...

I remember being at 5cm dilated shouting for a Epidural ! But as there was 3 sets of twins being born the doctor was busy with them! But deep down I didn't want a epidural as I completely didn't want a cafeta in... So after they said no to that I then asked for the birthing pool but wasn't allowed that either as I was aneimic so had to have a drip Incase I needed a blood transfusion! Also as The babies movements had pretty much stopped & had to keep the monitor on to check his heart rate. At this point of being 5 or so cm dilated I was kneeling up over the bed loving the gas & air! I told midwife I needed a wee so they got the Komode for me but couldn't wee contractions where so strong midwife told me to get back on to the bed as I stood up I said noo I can't move... Baby coming! ... Literally 5mins later & 3 pushes Hugo was out! At 10:20pm so labour was just 2hours 20mins! He decided to come out waving his arm with his head this would explain why i tore so badly. I lost a lot of blood & took a almost a hour to fully deliver the placenta & then had alot of it left inside so they had to manually get it out. I also had 2nd degree tear & stitches, I kept protesting I didn't need stitches!(as i didnt tear with Emilyn so this was new to me) they where busy sorting me out for an hour & then I finally got to hold Hugo he was already 2 hours old!
 So Hugo Aubrey Eli Harding born on Saturday 7th January at 10:20pm weighing 8lbs11oz Perfection :)
 We where undecided if he was going to be an Eli or a Hugo but looking at him Hugo just came naturally to call him :) he latched on straight away & fed very well but for only a few minutes then he was back to sleep.
Mic stayed with me till i was settled on the ward & went home about 2:30am, i then stayed awake literally the rest of the night, Hugo slept till 8am sunday morning! But the ward was so busy & Everyone eles babies where crying so every time i nodded off i kept being woken back up again,  Mic & Emilyn came to see me at 9:15am it was such a magical moment Emilyn meeting Hugo for the first time just amazing  I was then discharged at 3pm & home by 4pm, so was actually in Hospital for under 24hours. was lovely being back home & being able to sleep! Mic took two weeks off work & had lots of family time.
Was truely an amazing labour for me quite amazed at myself for doing it pretty much on my own & I've recovered so quickly.

He weighed 8lbs 11oz at birth
A week later he was 8lbs 5oz
and at 2 weeks he was back up to 8lbs 11oz
He was Born with Grey hazel eyes
Dark Brown hair also getting Lighter and Lighter,
Hugo was born with Bilateral Talipes scored at a 6 (the worst case on both feet)
He's amazing & so Perfect loveing having 2children

Teddy Bears Picnic in the Eyes of a toddler

If you go into the woods today...Your sure to get a Surprise.
A Teddy Bears Picnic is happening & Mummies & Daddies are not invite,
 Hello Everyone we are having a Teddy Bears PICNIC
I told my Mummy to stay in our garden part or the fairies shall tell her off as today I'm having lunch with my bears & Hugo.
Mummy won't understand what we are talking about anyway, shes too old.
i am not Emilyn today I'm a "Bug" Red & dotty with Wings. although Mummy says i cant fly with them?
More tea Mr Bear? 
More Bread Roar?
Mummy I'm going to go see the horses now. I might have to ask her to come with me as i struggle to get on the style to see the Horses she might need to pick me up. I will go over anyway to see if i can do it.
no i cant Mummy you've got to help me "I stuck me I stuck me."
Mummy brings Gogo over with her I love my baby boy Gogo he lets me squeeze him & i get to boss him around because I'm his big sister. his shoes & pretty Purple bar are hard though especially if they kick you in the head. Ouch! it makes me cry, then Mummy comes over to give me attention. I then try to do it again but i make sure he doesn't really kick me but Mummy thinks he does so i get more cuddles & kisses. 
Oh there is the Horses!! they are rolling all over the floor like there dancing! theirs a brown one & a white one I'm not sure what there names are i just call them Horseys Neigh it seems to do the job. they come over to me but I'm a little too scared to stroke them. have you seen how big a horsey is? there gigantic! My mummy doesn't like horseys too much though as she has had a few bad experiences with them i think. she wont talk to me about it.maybe she doesn't want to scare me.
oh no oh no my teddies have been left alone. they've drunk all the tea & eaten all the cakes. how greedy of them. i cant take them any where it seems.
before i asked mummy to help me clear up the picnic i offered to make her & Gogo a tea.
mummy seemed very happy & drank the tea & helped to clear every thing away.
we then sat on the floor waiting to see if any of the fairies will come out again, its such a lovely day the Sun most defiantly has his hat on today & the last few days.
its so peaceful in the woods no noise apart from the horses in the field & the rustle from the leaves.
not to forget these Bees everywhere. I don't like Bees they BUZzzzz around my ears. Mummy tells me they are flys but i wont trust anything that's small & fly around. I get very scared & have to get mummy to help me. 
There doesn't seem to be any fairies today,such a shame i love seeing them & knocking on there tiny doors in the trees.
Mummy is telling me its nap time in 10 minute's i hate nap time even if I'm tired what if i miss something important. i try to tell mummy I'm old enough now not to need naps but she insists i still need them. so I'm aloud to play for 10 extra minutes. Ive no idea how long that is but it sounds like ages so I'm going to run around the woods & get my football i will try & get Mummy to play.
oh no mummy is telling me its my nap time now? that couldn't of been 10 minutes i didn't even score a goal at football! no fair.
but OK Good Night Everyone Night Gogo love you kiss kiss
in my bed now its not so bad mummy read Bartholomew to me its about a kitten its my favourite book i keep it under my pillow so Gogo cant get it. 
Yawn I'm quite sleepy now Ive enjoyed my day so much see you in the morning.
Night Night Mummy xxx
By Emilyn 2 years 6 months old

Yes. His views have been compared to that of the Nazis,

He is shocking no surprise his views have been compared to that of the Nazis,

 According to Him infants not only can but should be considered replaceable! in that the birth and continued life of a disabled infant may stand in the way of what he believes to be the more happy occasion of birth of a normal child.
Parents, He states, should have the right to decide to kill an infant up until the age of one month! this is morally acceptable because a) at that age no infant is a person, and 2) infanticide has the advantage over abortion of allowing parents to have more information about a child’s condition than might be available in pregnancy.

This Man (if you can call him that) is called Peter Singer: Moral arbiter of life and death Born 6th July 1946

"He is a brilliant philosopher whose views both inflame and delight: animals have the same rights as people; not all human lives are worth saving."  In The Guardian Newspaper has abit about his Views.

So according to This grotesque man My own son shouldn't be here?
Hugo as you know if you are following my Blog has Bilateral Talipes we knew whilst i was pregnant, he might well of had brain problems this can be common with a deformity

Just because Hugo wasn't the perfect text book baby. Just because his feet where deformed.who in there right mind can say OK yes lets Kill a baby up to 1 month old as this infant is not a person yet!?
Hugo was smiling by 4ish Weeks old & he was very observant at looking around.

Every & I Mean EVERY  baby has a right to Life. whether they have Talipes, Downs syndrome, Cleft pallet or even worse.
So hes saying you go for your 20 week scan see your baby has a problem. any problem a minor or severe to then have the baby to see how severe the babies condition is to then decided whether the babies life is worth to keep as he says i quote
"infants not only can but should be considered replaceable"
this man has well & truly stumped me. how he lived in the real word & had feelings towards other human beings is beyond me.
I wonder if he would of killed his own children if they had physical problems (if actually had any?)
Was he married? I'm going to have to do more research in to him.

Every child is different i Have my Emilyn & Hugo they each have their own personality's to which i love. for him to say we should look at infants as replaceable is madness.
my children are defiantly NOT replaceable & I'm sure i cant talk for every mother out there will all say the same. 

 In his book Rethinking Life and Death, as well as in Practical Ethics, Singer asserts that, if we take the premises at face value, the argument is deductively valid. Singer comments that defenders of abortion attack the second premise, suggesting that the fetus becomes a "human" or "alive" at some point after conception; however, Singer argues that human development is a gradual process, that it is nearly impossible to mark a particular moment in time as the moment at which human life begins.

His Own mother had Alzheimer's disease. He said, "I think this has made me see how the issues of someone with these kinds of problems are really very difficult".
In an interview with Ronald Bailey, he explained that his sister shares the responsibility of making decisions about his mother. He did say that, if he were solely responsible, his mother might not continue to live!

It is wrong to kill an innocent human being.
A human fetus is an innocent human being.
Therefore it is wrong to kill a human fetus

The 6 week countdown

Today we went back to the hospital to get Hugos feet checked & see how he was in his BnB,
We typically arrived late. There was a lady next to me walking through the hospital in a rush too. So many slow walkers infront of me she managed to get past me, I then noticed her baby girl had BnB on too so knew we where both going to the childrens ward & we both seemed to be late! Once we signed in I said hello & chatted to the receptionist after spending so much time at the hospital the staff start to treat you like friends.
I sat in the waiting room & brought up conversation with the lady with the babygirl in BnB as she had a cute Bar Cover on, it was lovely being able to talk face to face to another mummy going through the same thing. Although her little girl was 5months with positional Talipes & only just gone into her BnB they did try to massage it to correct it but wasn't working so only just started the process. We got called into the physio room they where running 15minutes late so I needn't of rushed & lost my breath! Whilst waiting Hugo had decided to do a explosive poo so I had to change him! Got to love him. Emilyn was fantastic she amused herself with the toys in the corner of the room.
Mya our main physio is from Great Ormand Hospital & spends every Thursday at Guildford Hospital. She had a good look at Hugos feet said how great they are doing & started sizing him up for a new pair of Boots. Hugo has 1 foot a whole size smaller than the other one so they hummed & harred over putting one foot in a bigger boot or not but that boot was too big. I wonder if his feet will always be like this I forgot to ask at the time. Would be frustrating buying shoes when he's older if so.
He's been in his BnB for 6 weeks now for 23 hours a day I was told today we now have only another 6 weeks left until its down to just 14hours a day! It's going to be lovely taking him out in the summer without his BnB on being able to put him in proper outfits instead of footless Rompers. Although I love love love babies in their babygros there much cuddlier.
I have surprised myself though I completely 100% happy with him in his BnB they are apart of him & the whole of our family how could I not like them? They will be with us in our routine for the next 5 or so years by then I will probably be completely lost without them. Scared to stop using them even.
So here's to the 6 week countdown May 9th 2012 will be a bizarre day.
To be able to take my boy out in the day without his boots on I don't really know how I feel about it will be sure to blog my feelings at the time.

Hugos Progress In Photos

Hugo's Feet Before any Casts


Hugo at 5 days old with his first set of Casts on 12/01/12
Feet already looking great after 1 week in casts. 19/01/12
Second set of casts being put on. 19/01/12

Ready to go home both casts on 19/01/12

Third set of Casts on 26/01/12

Hugo's feet after 3 weeks in Casts 02/02/12

after 4 weeks of casts this is the finished product 09/02/12

Just had his BnB put on for the first time 09/02/12

Fed & Happy in his BnB 09/02/12
after 6 weeks in his BnB hes back at the physio to get new boots on.

There is Fairies at the bottom of my Garden

If you go down to the woods today your sure to get a surprise.
You've got to be very still & very quite as almost like your not even there.
You may be lucky enough to see one it's not your eyes playing tricks.
They fly around so very quick you could miss them with a blink of an eye.
Once you've seen one your bond to see another, only believers can see them so the scenics don't even try, not worth your time even if you think you believe they know the truth,
As Emilyn was playing in the garden earlier on this beautiful sunny day she run through the woods so quickly & then suddenly stop. She had seen one but at 2 years old was very unsure of what that was she had seen she shouted over to be that she'd seen "lightening" she wanted to see it again so we sat on the floor on the edge of the woods & waited. Hugo stayed asleep whilst we waited for another one to fly past us. We waited & waited for Emilyn this must of felt like a lifetime she was extremely patient.
Just as we where about to give up, one landed on Emilyn's arm, neither of us said or done a thing we where mesmerised the little fairy quickly done a little dance, winked at Emilyn & flew away. In Shock Emilyn turned to me & smiled. We had both witnessed this very rare & wonderful moment together one we won't be forgetting anytime soon.

Trendy Toddler Tuesday

I found Trendy Toddler Tuesday Today for the first time through & thought we would join in this is hosted by Very Busy Mama. It looks like great fun & we will start to do this Weekly with Emilyn.

This is Emilyn wearing her Baby Gap dress from the Nearly New baby Sale that her Aunty Emma got her. The tights are Primark. Her long sleeved top underneath is Hello Kitty from Tescos.
she's filling up her claireabella bag with toys.

PhotobucketClick on the Photo to Jump to Very Busy Mama

Welcome to Holland

Last week I was having a tough time feeling very overwhelmed with all the hospital trips & feeling sorry for myself the whole "Why me" feeling... Blah Blah Blah well a very Wise mummy sent me this & it gave me such a kick up the bum. this made me realise how lucky I am. I am also proud to be in "Holland" its a wonderful amazing place... why did i ever want to go to Italy any way?
Warning it may make you cry!



Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Confessions of a Stay At Home Mum

I often wonder why telling people you are in fact a stay at home mums it brings such negativity behind it.
The population seem to think that being a Stay at home mum means
  • Having Lay-ins 
  • Lazing around in your comfy clothes
  • Watching Daytime Tele 
  • Coffee Mornings with friends
  • Just having a leisurely lifestyle
  • Drinking hot Tea & coffee allday
Well I'm sorry to disappoint but this could not be further from the truth.

The Lay-ins what do you mean?... My daughter has me up from 5:30am -6:30am she is almost 3 years old & always been the same.
Lazing around in our comfy clothes. We probably haven't had a chance to get dressed although i do get dressed at some point of the day even if its a strap top & leggings. With bathing the babies getting breakfast whilst cleaning the house hovering cleaning up spilt breakfast orange juice all over the table cloth.
Daytime Tele is only acceptable whilst heavily pregnant.. I have now watched way too much & only have the Tele on mornings (whilst getting dressed) & evenings with Mic.
Coffee Mornings with friends involve them drinking their coffee whilst I frantically chase Emilyn around or I'm sat Breastfeeding the baby.
Just having a Leisurely Lifestyle. I do Not get a break. even half hour to my self. A mother does not get a day off as babies & children need our 24/7 care.

This is why my own Mother returned to work at social services, as we where more stressful than her own stressful job!

My day goes a little like this.
Wake up 5am feed Hugo. sleep Emilyn then awake at 6am. gets into our bed half an hour later "I'm hungry cereal cereal" so we all then get up to get coffee & breakfast.
bath children about 9am this can take well over an hour for a few reasons. Emilyn loves the bath once shes in. she isn't getting back out. once i have managed to get her out it then can take another 15 minutes to just get a nappy on her for some reason my Girl loves being naked ? a further 10 minutes just getting clothes on her. by this time if we needed to be out the house for whatever reason we are late. to top this of Hugo normally wants a feed & then fully fills his nappy so he needs a whole wardrobe change. so I'm saying this is now about 11am i have managed to get dressed my makeup is done at 7am whilst feeding Hugo or having breakfast but i will still need to do my hair a quick up do with hairspray & clips. I'm Ready the kids are ready. now we go back downstairs do some art & craft stuff or baking. whilst Hugo has an hour nap.
Emilyn & I have our lunch together then she goes down for her nap till 2pm
I then tidy up the mess we made earlier also Hugo is normally awake whilst doing all this i normally have at least one lot of clothes in the wash so i then have to sort those out.
Before i know it its 8pm Mics home from work Children are in bed & all I want to do is go to bed too!

A Leisurely walk around the shops.
Yeah Right. we have a double Buggy Britax B-Dual. A Bugaboo Cameleon Special Edition & a Bugaboo Bee.
If I'm on my own i get the Double buggy out so Emilyn stays put. but as a stroppy 2.5 year old Emilyn point blankly refuses & starts a huge tantrum. so my nice walk around the shops stop & I rush to get the bits & pieces i need without looking like a crazy mum shouting at her child. i ignore her tantrum as much as i can. The disgusted looks from other ladies are great! talk about making me look like a rubbish mum.. the best is seeing New mums with their good as gold new babies & i have heard them say "aww your not going to be like that are you princess." I would love to remind her of her comment in 2 years time walking through tesco with her child on the floor rolling around screaming as she wont give her daughter the chocolate Easter bunny rabbit that she grabbed because Tescos put it in reach of little peoples hands!
Sorry i got a bit side tracked then.

What about a nice trip to Wacky Warehouse & then lunch in the restaurant with other mums & children.
 You would think this would be fun right? Wrong! it was perfect whilst the children played in Wacky warehouse. it was perfect up until we went through to the restaurant for lunch & another child takes his own crayon from near Emilyn & literally all hell breaks lose...
if you hadn't known what had happened you would of thought someone had kicked her & stolen her Blanky & dummy! Emilyn proceeded to lay on the floor rolling & kicking screaming & crying. its one of those moments when you want to pretend this is not your child.
to make matters worst Hugo then wakes up & wants to be fed. Great! I was so close to picking her up & taking her home. She soon calmed down & ate her lunch though.

Hot Tea & Coffee
Never!. try chilled or re warmed in the microwave. My son decides he always wants a feed just as I put the Kettle on, a Typical Boy!

I constantly have baby sick on me even if i have the sick blanket to hand it seems to always end up on my clean clothes.

Even with all my moaning i do in fact Love my life I feel so extremely Fortunate to be able to stay home with my children, watch there development daily. see them grow. Emilyn saying new words daily. Hugo only being 10 weeks old  hes doing new things daily too!
I count myself so Lucky to have my two children & enjoy every moment of the day even when Emilyn is having a tantrum. Its all part of the job. I chose to be a Mummy there is no better feeling in my eyes.

I mean how can i stay grumpy at these two?Also Emilyn isn't that bad normally 95% good & 5% bad most of the time. She is my Best friend we are like two peas in a pod. I love my two little people.

The New Baby. Can he go back now?

Once I had past the 12week scan Mic & I sat down to tell Emilyn she was going to be a big sister & there's a tiny baby in my tummy. She was about 20 months so didn't understand a great deal, she loved the scan photo & was extremely proud to tell everyone that her mummy has a baby in her tummy! The weeks past & my tummy started to grow & show more & more Emilyn enjoyed feeling the kicks. Kissing the Bump.
20week scan came found out she would have a baby brother, of course we didn't tell her of any complication she was too young to understand, but over the few days that we where unsure whether we would be bringing our baby boy home we didn't talk about him much to her as we all felt numb. I had already bonded with my boy I already loved him. The thought of not having him felt like my heart was being pulled back & forth. Emotions everywhere.
The days past slowly We went off to St George's hospital in Tooting to see our consultant & I prayed the cystic plexus cysts had disappeared! In the hope of one day bringing our boy home.
To our delight they had I cried with happiness, Mic & I rung our parents our boy showed no signs of a disability or any other deformities apart from Bilateral Talipes.
I then carried on as normal getting Emilyn to interact with Bump trying to get her used to the idea of baby. We sorted his clothes together we put his crib up at around 36weeks so she knew where her brother would sleep.
My 40weeks Due Date came & went we spent it walking on shoreham beach in Sussex. On the 5th January I went into Hospital with Contractions but got sent home as I was only 2cms dilated. It then took another 2 days till I went back in to have Hugo. As I didn't know whether I was going to be sent back home again or not I didn't tell Emilyn what was happening I just told her I loved her & I would see her very soon.
Hugo was born at 10:20pm on the 7th January 2012. After a 2hour 2minute full labour.
The following day Mic came to see me with Emilyn she was so excited to see her baby brother & his feet didn't faze her she kept hugging & kissing him I thought aw she loves him already.
Later that day I got to go home where everything changed.
Emilyn thought Hugo would be staying at the hospital she was very taken back to him being in our car with her.
Even more taken back to Hugo getting to sleep in her mummy & daddy's bedroom!
The first few days where horrendous with Emilyn having tantrums shouting screaming slapping hitting me everything was aimed at me!.
She must of thought how dare my mummy bring this cute little baby in & leave me.
Of course that was not the case whilst Hugo slept I tried my hardest to cuddle play games make cakes with Emilyn but she wouldn't have any of it told me to go away... The night times were tough too she wanted to sleep in our bed (even though Hugo slept in his own) I was exhausted sat outside her bedroom door tears rolling down my face listening to her cry out for Daddy as she didn't want me near her. It broke my heart. Mic came up to help me; I just sat there saying what have we done to her. She hates me. Her little life has turned upside down. It's all my fault.
5 days later we were off to the Hospital to have Hugo's cast on for the first time. Emilyn openly said good bye to Hugo I suspect she thought he was going back to where ever he came from. She had a lovely time with her Nanna.
Once we arrived back home Emilyn asked why baby was back. I had to explain that he was here for good now & he's not going any where.
Well the following 2weeks went quite stressfully Emilyn had turned into a different child. I was dreading Mic going back to work, he worked an hour away from home & easily working 40 hour weeks.
But surprisingly things got better very quickly my Emilyn returned back to her happy friendly cuddly toddler & started being nice to me, asking where "Gogo" was they've now really bonded it's so lovely seeing them together.
She tells Hugo she loves him & she's happy he is her brother. I wouldn't have it any other way.


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